For my 35th birthday I’m choosing to take action on an idea.
You know that idea you’ve had in your head for years? The one that won’t leave you alone. It pops up every now and then to remind you that it’s still waiting for you. Waiting for your attention. Waiting to be watered, for the right light and conditions so it can finally take root.
That idea for me is Eighteen Blue. And for my 35th birthday, as a gift to myself, I’m making this idea a reality.
This space has been circling me for over 5 years. I have old website pages where I started the bones and never finished them. Pinterest boards and journal entries. I’ve talked on and off about it for years.
But I can’t talk to you about Eighteen Blue without telling you about John O’Donohue.
Through his book “Beauty the Invisible Embrace” John O’Donohue gave me words to my spiritual relationship with beauty that I haven’t been able to articulate before. My favourite way to read this book is to listen to the audiobook while walking in nature. He has the most delicious Irish accent and how he speaks is almost lyrical, like a dance.
He speaks of Beauty with a capital B and how it is a call home to ourselves. To truly experience beauty you must be present. You must be in your body. The invisible world that beauty belongs to, is the same realm of serendipity, magic, hope and spirituality.
Beauty belongs to the sensory and felt world.
This felt world is always available to us, it is always right there waiting to pierce through the mundane and monotony of everyday life. Documenting beauty through photography has helped me to pay closer attention to being alive.
Beauty often holds duality. It can be found in grief and heartbreak. I think the grief is also due to the fact that we often forget to pay attention to the wonders of being alive. We are constantly remembering and forgetting.
Eighteen Blue is my cozy digital home, where I document my journey through imagery and story telling. You can expect behind the scenes of my projects, photo diaries, interviews with creatives, workshops, curated lists and whatever curiosity my brain is fascinated by at the time.
In plain words - Eighteen Blue is a paywalled Monthly Membership. I’ve gone back and fourth on whether to continue my substack or to make this paywalled, and ultimately I want my own space that’s private, quiet and owned by me. Not all of my story and art is for free consumption and I desire to be paid for my thoughts whilst being of service.
The 2nd gift I gave myself for my birthday was to ask my inner circle 8 questions. The reactions I have received to the questions being asked has been sooo interesting, Not gonna lie, I’m nervous. When my Dad responded asking what this is all about, I responded by saying it is an opportunity for growth and connection for my 35th birthday.
I’m very aware that we don’t often see ourselves clearly. Our self perception is often skewed and my personal negative bias paired with my neurodivergent OCD brain, gets really stuck. But this birthday I’m shaking things up. I want change. I’m ready do things differently and I’m aware that if I want different results in my life, I have to make different and new choices. One of those choices is going towards the people in my life and asking to be seen by them. Inviting in honest dialogue with those I love so that we can grow. I’m so curious about the ripple effect this will have in my relationships. What these conversations may open up, what insights I will discover and just to receive love from my people in a way that feels meaningful to me.
I’m in a place right now of reflection and alignment. I’m taking stock and auditing my life, relationships, habits and desires. What do I actually want vs what looks good? Where am I saying I want one thing, but my actions are in direct opposition of that desire? I had a medium call recently and she told me to look at the incongruence in my life.
This year has been my most expansive and heart breaking yet. I’ve accomplished a lot professionally and yet personally it’s been really challenging. There has been a lot of change with my soulmate pup Scouty passing. And with the uneven ground of loosing her, it’s made me face my coping mechanisms and ways in which I numb feeling. Old habits have come back with a vengeance that I am ready to peel myself away from. Because my career and the service I am here to create can’t reach its next evolution through this version of me. I have to let her go.
I will report back with my findings and in the meantime, I invite you to consider how it would feel to ask these questions for yourself.
What qualities do you see in me that I might not see in myself?
When do you feel most loved by me?
What would you like me to know about you, so that I can love you better?
What is a blindspot of mine?
What do you find difficult about me?
What do you find inspiring about me?
What do you wish for me?
Is there anything else you’d like to say?
So welcome to Eighteen Blue. A space where done is better than perfect. I’m giving myself permission to be seen in the baby stages. I have no idea how this space will grow and evolve but I do know I just have to start. One entry at a time.
I love to distill experiences and reflect on what I learnt, and to share the wisdom. Not only for others but also for present and future Jessie. It helps me embody the wisdom. Life is a wild ride and I’m always up to something new or some random side quest, Eighteen Blue gives me the home to safely explore, reflect and alchemize. To share the journey with you so that it may help you along yours.
On this Scorpio New Moon, I’ll leave you with a few questions to ponder;
What project has been circling your heart and subconscious?
Where are your words and actions not aligning?
Where are your core beliefs and true desires not aligning?
What is one action step you can take to create congruence?
"We are so afraid to be seen in the mess, but that is where our humanity lives."
All my love,
Jessie xx