What Do You Value More?

I want to write. I want to create beauty. I want a slow life with spaciousness to read by candlelight and go to bed by 9pm. I want intentional dinners with loved ones and long walks that allow me to meander. I want to sit in nature and just watch her do her thing. No where to be, and everything to see. I don’t want to create my work for social media. I don’t think I actually want to be famous. How can I create art in solitude and still have the success? I guess the question is, what do I classify as “success”? Recognition? How do I create a slow life and be financially free? How do I create room for both?

The card question Paul and I pulled last week really stumped me.

“What do you value more - free time, money or recognition? And why?"

I am ruled by the “need” for recognition, but what I truly, deep in my bones desire is free time. And I would say my idea of success is wrapped up in recognition, not money. My current love language is Words of Affirmation. “Tell me you love me, that I’m a good person and I’m doing a good job.” Always wanting to be perceived by others as good because the deep negative belief about myself is that I am bad. I feel love when I am recognized, I feel good about myself when others recognize the good in me. But this never lasts. It is so unsustainable.

It’s funny how the Universe will keep sending reminders until the message lands. I was chatting with a friend about my tendency to overcommit myself and then cancel. I’m not generally one to make a lot of plans with others unless I have been exceptionally hermit-like and now ovulating, and by the time the plans are here, I’m now in my luteal phase, and I’m like fuck, what have I done?!

Usually requests will come my way and I will say yes, fitting them in wherever I can. I then feel overwhelmed by my schedule and cancel what I can to remain in somewhat control of my peace. I like my alone time. I love walks alone. I love taking myself on dates or having an evening to myself. I really love my free time, yet through my actions I am not valuing this. Through my actions I am valuing recognition. Pleasing others by saying yes to requests of my time and energy. Feeling bad if I want to say no. Filling what time I do have with Netflix rather than using it to fulfill my creativity and peace.

The pause between the request or habit isn’t long enough yet to really sit with and feel out my yes or no. Before I know it I’ve given a time and place, I’ve turned Netflix on, or I’m driving to the bottle shop.

Social media for me was all about recognition and I don’t like or want to be creating from that place. Because when I am concerned about what others think of me, or my work - the expression becomes tainted.

I am more concerned about your recognition and approval than by expressing my true feelings and the ideas that want to come through me. And that shit can be felt. We can feel when something isn’t quiet true, when something is stifled or held back.

I have stifled my voice for a long time based on the opinions of others. I stopped sharing videos of myself, I stopped writing the way that felt natural and true to me because others didn’t approve of it.

I went dark, scared to share anything because I knew they were judging me. I felt like a failure. That as a human, as a creative I wasn’t good enough - that I was embarrassing and someone to be ashamed of. I felt ashamed of myself. And nothing shuts my authenticity or creativity off quicker than shame.

I have so desperately wanted the recognition of others that I took their advise and tried to be what they approved of. I didn’t realize at the time how damaging my value of recognition is. Others have no power over me whether intentional or not, if I do not value their recognition over my own honest expression, over my own time. Because recognition in this way takes me completely out, completely off centre and further and further away from who I actually am. Where as valuing my free time centres me. It centres me with my own compass and with what is actually important to me.

Spaciousness, creativity, art, dancing, reading, walking, writing - are all done in free time. And that free time can be created and held as sacred. My energy and time is sacred. Pausing and sitting in my body before responding is the way forward. To create a life of inner desires rather than outer requests. Who will I allow to be in control of my time and expression? What do I need to respect myself and recognize the woman staring back at me in the mirror? Her recognition is the most rewarding and fulfilling because I control it. A never ending well of recognition and admiration.

Space feels so luxurious to me. Dinner at the table, dishes washed already, bed my 9pm. Yum. Art needs space to percolate. To simmer and bubble - for words to form. The space in between the free time gets to feed and nourish, bubbling under the surface for when the opening is there to bring forth.

Protecting my free time is protecting my self expression and protecting my self expression creates self respect. And when I value what I think of myself over what others think of me, well, that kind of power is unshakable.

What do you value more and is that value actually aligned with your actions?

We get to be beautiful, vulnerable, messy, underbelly showing, sore spot expressing, powerful - works in progress.